Chapters

 Once again I sit alone with my thoughts and my emotions, unsure of what to do, and why I find myself in this situation. One chapter is closed, a whole decade of my life. The job that saw me through the closing of a relationship chapter...

Will the next chapter ending be another relationship? What will I have then. I have no institutions from my past to see me through.

I feel like I'm forever taken for granted. Left to myself, because I'm the strong one. Left to myself because I'll be there when they return. Then one day they don't return. Or one day I falter and the world seems to flip on its head. 

I'll never be open to poly again. Twice my receptiveness to other's curiosity has lead to my torment. I'd rather be alone, than feel lonely in a relationship. I didn't learn my lesson, and so here I sit alone with my thoughts while they have a weekend and I am but an afterthought.

Fuck this, and fuck myself for being the way I am.

Hedgerow crossings

Last night before we pack up the house where we've lived together for the last 3 years. I slept alone. The new partner that is minimally impacted by this huge change, gets the cuddles and comfort. I'm angry and sorrowful.

N has no independent preferences. Everything parrots C. The degree of matching makes me angry, and icky. Same coffee orders, same favorite foods... Sure Jan, your insecurity and need to be 100% like your partner to feel safe isn't at all obvious. 🤮

Part of me wants to run away.  

AA meeting

 Calgon take me away... And by "Calgon" I mean benzos and spumonti... Since I lack a tub to drown my tired body, I'll wash down a relaxant with some bubbly wine. Today is garbage. My future is hot garbage. My past is the liquid that coalesces at the bottom of a dumpster. I don't want to think about it anymore tonight. I'm exhausted from being mad about things I won't or can't change. So tonight I shut it off and deam of incoherent blissful bullshit.

Legal uncertainty

 Roe V Wade undone. A 300+ page Supreme court document undies fifty years of precedent. In a concurring opinion, Justice Thomas asks the courts to revisit Lawrence v. Texas, and Obergefell v. Hodges. That's sodomy laws and marriage equality respectively. A dog whistle is a dog whistle and the future looks a lot more overcast by the moment.

In three days I have a divorce hearing. The marriage itself was without fanfare. It was the result of Obergefell's ripples. We had already been in a domestic partnership, and that was no longer going to be recognized by my employer. So to save money and retain health benefits we quietly decided to wed. The words "we practically are anyway" was the answer of the moment. 

I don't mourne the ending of that union. I did all the mourning in the last 18 months before it ended. I walked out the door and into my own apartment over four years ago, and that was the close of that chapter in all ways but the legal one. 

But there's that sense of twisted irony, that I'm about to sever that institution as the shadow of it's legal acceptance being questiones looms in the future.

Handler says he intends to mary me one day. His mother questioned if I would get married again. She wants me to Mary her son. Part of me would love nothing more. The question is though, why? 

Why embrace the institution of marriage, when it could be wiped out with a penstroke from the court? Why embrace the institution of marriage with a partner who is poly, in which case the legal contract forever cements one of their partners as legally more recognized than the other? Why do I want this? 

Bovine excrement frittata

 Nothing makes my blood boil faster than being called a liar. I avoided COVID for over two years, and it's feels like a personal failure that I caught it now. That's not rational, of course, but my brain be damned.

The Handler caught it first, and tested positive while at a conference. His family and I joined him on a vacation post-conference, and we were assured he was outside the contagion window. I knew it was risky. I wanted to spend time with him, so I ignored the risks. Quality time has been lacking. Work, sick, obligation, repeat. So for me, any opportunity for closeness and possible physical affection is worth the risk.

5 days later I test positive. The day before beta was set to arrive for the Handler's birthday weekend. Beta responds overwhelmingly negative to the news. Demands I take another test, and claims it's bullshit. Apparently he thinks this dynamic is a competition and that I have some ulterior motive. 

I took the second test and set a pic. More claims of bullshit. I explain that I don't care if he comes up regardless, that there are masks in the house etc. He says he'll bring more tests. You know, to prove I'm not lying. 

So there I was, barbeque sauce on my titties... Oh wait... No it was seething rage in my head. Last night he got the accomodation and kindness. Today he'll get the whip. I won't suffer being accused of manipulation and lying, even less so when there's no logical reason for it. Own your insecurities, and control your fucking tongue.

He came in this morning, acting like it didn't happen. He wanted to make me breakfast (service as apologetic gesture?). I don't want service, gifts, or things. The best apology is changed behavior 

I don't feel well, so this is probably over-the-top but at the moment I'm kinda done trying. Hopefully that is a passing feeling.

Gratitude detached

 I am always taken by surprise when people express that I've made an impact in their life. I've always struggled with feeling like I'm a burden and that every ounce of my energy is utilized to mitigate that. So when someone genuinely expresses that I've positively impacted their life, often just by being myself visibly and authentically, it seems entirely sureal. I'm happy that I've been a positive influence. It warms my heart to know that I've helped make the world easier, warmer, safer, better for someone else. But it feels disconnected, because the things that made that happen are just me being me. Not some grand gesture, not some arduous work of altruism or suffering, just existing authentically. It's feels like I shouldn't take pride in that. It feels selfish to enjoy the gratitude. Because to me, it feels like I've done the bare minimum.

Am I too hard on myself? Are my expectations of what I should accomplish so twisted by my low self-esteem and low self worth that I can't see what I inspire and do accomplish?

The gap between

 I want to feel wanted, needed even. That's a difficult thing to feel when you're disconnected from sexual thoughts and have little-to-no sex drive. My family and society have programmed me to think sex is the "goal" or reason for romantic relationships. It has lead me to seek something I struggle to make happen. The result it constantly feeling inadequate, broken, or unwanted no matter how thoroughly others try to communicate their love.