control

Today I vow to ease the grip of my pincers. Emotionally my little crab claws have always been held clinched, so tight that their fulcrum points threatened to snap. The less physical control that I feel I have in a relationship, or my life in general, the more I try to cling steadfast to ideals, standards, or expectations in my head. In my first real relationship I had absolutely no say in anything. I latched onto the ideal that by working hard, and focusing on holding things together, I could make a broken machine run like mint. In my second relationship I had all of the physical control. The pitfall was that my own emotions were running the show full time, and not necessarily the ones that should be in charge of one's own happiness. Security took the reigns, and love and compassion languished on the back-burner. Ultimately, I had latched onto that security and stability so hard that I forced the rest to crumble under it's pressure. Monotony and reliability are not suitable replacements for love, respect, honesty, and compassion. My third and fourth relationships were part of a growing phase. The reformation and restructuring of some core ideals in the hope of emotional improvement.

My current relationship is the healthiest I've ever been in. There is no facade of stability. Emotionally we both fluctuate, and when things reach a particular point of strain they are discussed as openly as possible. Ostensibly, he is fairly upfront about how he feels, what he wants, what he likes etc. I think, however, that I cast the shadow of my darker tendencies onto my partner. Even though he is as blunt and open as he is, I have a tendency to feel like he keeps things from me. Not out of malice or deceptive tendencies, but rather to shield me from possible pain or the incurrence of drama. I have the tendency to hold most of my feelings inside until I'm certain they are "appropriate" (I'm aware that there is no really inappropriate or appropriate emotions, feelings are feelings and cannot be bound to moral constructs). So my feeling that he withholds things stems from my own behavioral tendencies. Of course these thoughts feed into my own insecurities. It goes from "I hold things in, so he must be as well" to "I'm sure he's hiding things from me" to "He doesn't trust me" then onto darker planes. It all leads back to a self-depreciating place I assure you. It's all part of my greater abandonment/low self-esteem/depression complex. Ultimately, I'm aware it's all in my own head. I just get so bogged down in there some times. It frustrates me. I understand that everyone is different. I accept that everyone has their own view of the world, and that different beliefs are acceptable.

The above insecurities and shadow casting cause me to cling. I don't even do so consciously most of the time. It just happens. I'll realize after the fact, and probably once it has already worn on my partner to some degree. So my vow is that I'm going to try and be more consciously aware of how and why I'm feeling, and control the resultant behavior better. I am going to focus on what he gives me, and not let the possibility that he might be withholding something worry me. If/when he feels close enough or safe enough to share something with me, he will. I also have to accept that when he is in a low place, it doesn't have to be because of me, or something I have done/not done.

I always thought I needed to find a partner to complete me. What I really needed was a partner to help me complete myself. We can't expect someone else to fix our flaws and fill our voids. We should only expect them to be there to assist us out of love, support, and understanding. I feel that I've found that, but I am still under construction and so is he. Can't wait until we alter the skyline together though.