Weddings

Tonight was the fifth wedding, that my partner and I have attended, this year. For all my vocabular, and articulate nature, the best way that I can express how this makes me feel is, "weddings suck".

Tonight's affair was a wedding between close friends. That makes fourty percent of the total weddings this year that I have actually had significant emotional investment in the conjoining parties. Weddings make me a veritable swamp of watery emotions and analytical quagmire. On one hand, I secretly covet the whole affirmation of having a giant grouping of friends and family, gathering to reinforce that you've made good life choices. On another these events make me confront the fact that I'm a minority, and thus nor normal. Equally contrasted are the desire to be able to share that whole ritualized  sense of giving one's self to another wholeheartedly, with the realities that gay men are, as a rule, seemingly unable to be monogamous. I am, therefore, forced to confront just how unique I am, every single fucking time that we attend one of these functions. I'm gay, I'm monogamously  inclined, and I'm in love with someone who is polyamorously inclined.

The groom zealously telling me that, he is excited and, one day he will attend such a thing for my partner and I; is both grounds for me to gush forth emotionally, and a spark to start that seething spiral into dark places, because weddings between myself and my partner are just a statistical improbability.

Also, don't get me started on the weird relative that always inevitably tries to relate because I'm gay. Recounting stories of trips to Key West, Province Town, or San Francisco because hey every homo has to make. Pilgrimage to Mecca, right? I get it. I stand out. In spite of trying to be invisible, or distract from the obvious. I fucking have a neon sign. In rainbow colors that positively beams, "I'm gay. Please air your dirty laundry to me in a drunken stupor. Also, try to relate to me, using tired stereotyles, even though every word will just reinforce how ignorant you really are about me"...

Closing thought: I drank a lot of rum. I'm bitter. I'm emotional. I'm getting old. Thank you, and good night.