abnegation

Lost in a stormy ocean of thoughts and feelings, I retreat to the only place that still feel safe. A bedroom, large as it may be, is still claustrophobic. I'm far enough removed to feel safe, but close enough to not be disconnected the entirely. My poison of choice, eve's dropping on the barely audible sounds of my love cuddling with another amidst a background of violent television.  I am in a rapid, unstable state of Flux. for moments I am fine and utterly functional. At others I feel like the world is being wrested away, torn asunder amidst great tumult and catastrophe. I want my sun to remain forever warm. I want him to revel in what makes him happiest. I want him to shine bright, but all that radiance is sublimating my oceans. I desiccate under the heat. I'm adrift in an ocean of ever increasing salinity. I can't sink, for the specific gravity is too great, but instead the water no longer nurishes. Instead it is slowly becoming caustic. A product of evaporation and subsequent concentration of the salt of tears shed. Alkaline breezes sap what little strength I have left. I want to scream, but I'm numb.

I rolled out the red carpet on which the devil strutted in sexy red heels and a perfect little black dress. I have no one to blame but myself, though I guess. I always knew I'd be the one to do me in. The irony is the prophetic dreams to wake me, unsettle me, and keep me from sleeping years ago. I forget nothing, and now that haunts me so. I knew this would come to pass. I have known for four years, yet never was I privy to how it will end.

Can I bare this storm? Can I remain a bulkhead against the tide? Should I even really try?