A relationship that once seemed boundlessly safe and stable now feels like a rollercoaster without safety restraints.
I gave poly a previous valiant attempt. It ended badly. Was it my fault? Was it their fault? Is that sort of relationship even compatible with my broken inner clockwork?
All things are cyclical, or so I've read. Another go at the poly, this time with 500% better communication.. but in context the communication is obviously still insufficient.
Will I ever be able to move past my traumas without it being a bloodletting to those I love?
"I'm not mad, but It's still a lot to process", is not making someone else the victim. It's an attempt to help others understand the quagmire I'm treading mentally.
Mistakes were made, mostly by me. So why is it the most triggering issue was entirely misunderstanding rather than direct self sabotage?
Was the relationship irreparably damaged before the poly? Is the poly just the environment I cultivated to help someone leave me? Was I so happy that I worked towards this moment? Why am I like that?
How is it that I can be angry with someone and not have it change my feelings for them, but I can't accept that others are the same? Why do I try to avoid all conflict by tearing down my own boundaries. Why am I afraid the conflict will made someone stop loving me?
Should I just be alone?
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