Gnat bites

 It's the little things that seem to instill the most intense emotional response. Noticing his wallpaper has changed from a pic of him and I to one of him and N. Small things that I took for granted, but made me feel safe. That one wounded me more than it should. N is allowed space and time in the spotlight. My brain screams that there are pics of the three of us, and that it's a sign I'm being replaced. I hate that part of me. 

I like the part of me that gets overwhelming joy at how happy C is. I like the warmth I feel when I'm included on calls, when he takes time to remind me that he wants to marry me one day. I love being held while C talks to N. I like when N texts me, or promises cuddle time. I love that through all of this my communication with C has improved, that the pain was a catalyst for me to use my voice and say what I want/need  more, and that it encouraged me to get back into mental healthcare. 

For the most part, I'm optimistic about the future. N and I are already closer than I am with most of my friends. I enjoy cuddling with him, and we seem to have a calming effect on one another. So why am I so afraid that things might not work out? Why did negotiating a title make me so happy and secure, when being called that title before negotiation feel so frightening? Why did having to walk it back sting so much, when it's the healthiest route?  

It's a weird conflict. The idea of a triad brings me a tremendous amount of joy. Is it because I want that level of relationship with N? Is that because it's a compromise between poly and monogamy? Is it because it feels safest? Is it because it makes everyone involved invested in everyone else involved equitably? Is it because it's what C idealized? So many questions, and I wish I could just mute them. 

I want to live in the good moments. I wish I could turn off my brain when the small things wound me, and just recount the good times and all the positive things. And maybe I just need to do that last part to push through that first... When I feel that tightness in my chest, and constriction in my throat, I should tell myself all the good things to contextualize the pain for what it is: Fleeting, irrational, and originating from things that are not directly related to my current relationships.