Random Thoughts

Libre

2012-01-30T05:14:00.001-08:00

I'll just be forthcoming, I'm a judgmental person. Mentally, I observe and adjudicate on everything. I like to feel as if every person does this in some capacity, but I probably do so more than most. Once I have passed judgment, my ruling usually stands like firm concrete. I typically keep these judgements to myself, primarily because no one really ever wants to hear someone else's opinion. Secondarily, verbalizing one's judgement about another person is usually just a weak mind attempting to sway the opinion of others in its favor. I find that usually within the first five minutes, of interaction with a new person, I have mentally formed an accurate image of their moral character. At that point, I either continue getting to know them, or decide to keep my interactions superficial. These rulings need not be entirely logically based. In fact, I find a good amount of time, that I can't quite put my finger on my reasons for why I feel a particular way. Maybe it's some subconscious observation of nano-behaviors. Perhaps I process body language on some level. However the result is achieved, my judgements of persons has yet to let me down. In the practice of keeping an open mind, I'll go one record as saying that I do not think of a person as good or evil as a whole. I process my judgements more in terms of how they relate to me. The best way I can explai is to say, "this person is a bad influence" or "this person will be a positive influence". A percentage people are just out for number one. Additionaly, a portion of that percentage is more aggressive in the means towards that their end. These people are almost always judged as a bad influence for me. While looking out for your own self isn't a bad quality, utilizing people as no more than mere commodities, to be consumed, for your own benefit is. My partner has a friend; someone he's known since before he and I met. This friend is one of those people who are only out for their own benefit. My partner doesn't seem to see it, even through a still-failing business transaction. Part of his clouded view is out of naive optimism for the human spirit. Part of it is because of an emotional past. I could postulate that there is still some want for a continued sexual and emotional connection from my partner, in regards to this other man. I can't deny that my knowledge of this past connection, does weigh on my judgement. I can, however, state that I wouldn't have trusted this guy, regardless. There is a large part of me, that wishes this guy was no longer a part of my partner's life and, by extension, my own. I don't want to be that manipulative person that forces the hand of my mate. I also don't want to say I told you so. All I can do for now is be supportive to my partner and keep my judgment to myself, even when this friend complains that someone put sugar in his gas tank.. How's that for reinforcing my judgement?

Epiphany

2011-09-29T04:12:00.001-07:00

I feel that I can't quite ever let my guard down; that I, alone, must erect and maintain a series of braces and butresses to preserve the ephemeral armor. Question is, why did I feel the need to construct such heavy fortifications in the first place? This unrealistic fear that any change, no matter how minute; could be the catalyst of absolute implosion, needs to stop.

Dogmatronic Politics

2011-08-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Personal Opinion: A politician evoking Religion and Prayer to Bolster their campaign for president is like an American Idol contestant singing “God Bless the USA”. Tacky, Risky, and Shallow. Sadly, it doesn’t garner quite the same end result. Over the last twelve years, the Republican party has slowly shifted into this bizarre Evangelical Christian Party; by pandering to a base of working class, presumably politically ignorant masses, and presenting this image that their freedom to express religious beliefs is being taken away from them.

The fulcrum point of this argument is, of course, marriage. I refuse to use the term ‘gay marriage’. It’s marriage, period. The argument is over the definition of the word, and NOT over legalizing or legitimizing a different form of it. The right side makes a lot of arguments to solidify the definition of marriage, and make it exclusive to heterosexual couples, by thumping the bible. Those arguments are really invalidated by constitutional requirement of separation of church and state. Honestly, there was no constitutional definition of marriage for a reason. The government shouldn’t really be giving benefits for the forming of personal contracts between people. That said, if government is going to dish out benefits for such a thing it has a legal and moral obligation to do so in a fair and equal manner in every instance.

I enjoy the argument by a couple of court clerks, in NY state, that signing marriage licenses for homosexual couples tramples on their freedom of religion. When you work for the government, you are accepting all of the constitutional requirements thereof. That means you’re not acting as a person, you’re acting as a representative of the government. Signing a legal document does not constitute a personal moral approval of the contents within it. If you can’t be professional enough to realize that, well then, you really shouldn’t be officiating state business in the first place.

The other insane argument, and it’s sadly one that works rather well, is that ‘legalizing’ marriage equality will result in homosexuality being taught in public schools. I must have missed the lesson plan in school about marriage. In fact Moral and social concepts were not a part of my curriculum at all. I’m sure if there was a class on the topic for students to take, parents would have the power to request their child not be a part of it. Morals and ideologies are not things ‘taught’ in school, unless your parents elected to enroll you in a private school of the religious variety. It is the responsibility of the parents to impart these concepts, and the right of the child to build or deconstruct them as they deem necessary.

Lastly, a corporation is *NOT* a person in spite of what some politicians believe. I feel that corporations are a monster unto their own and require political oversight to ensure that the monetary freight train doesn’t obliterate the masses when it derails in it’s insatiable quest for money and power. Politicians wouldn’t feel so compelled to pray for resolution to our debt crisis if the corporations, pouring gold into their pious pockets, would pay their fair share of the tax burden. The sad truth of the matter is that the ability to avoid having to pay taxes is a luxury only the wealthy can afford.
Posted 14 seconds ago

insult to injury

2011-07-26T10:18:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just feel lost, you know. Why can't the path for life be a little less obscure?

mentis dissonantia

2011-07-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

"It's bothering you, you should say something about it." "I shouldn't impose my stress and worry on others. I'll get over it." "It's going to continue eating at you." "I'm overreacting, because of ingrained insecurity." "Anyone else would just lash out and express how they feel." "that's because other people are less in control, and thus less civilized; less understanding of the true impacts of their actions on others." "you have every right to feel this way." "I have every right to feel this way, but no right to burden others by it." "what if things continue down this road?" "I'll observe and if/when it reaches a point that I can't hold it inside any longer, I'll say something." "No, you'll keep pushing it deeper, burying it, packing more powder in the keg." "Hey, at least when it blows, it'll make an impressive show." "you're deflecting" "yea, but that's how I handle things best." "One day, you'll let someone in." "if someone tries that hard to get in, they'll deserve to see the darkness they find."

Peripheral numbness

2011-06-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel so dulled today? I knew yesterday, I knew a week ago, what today is and didn't suffer any I'll effects. So why today? Mentally I feel and process the same, but physically every sensation just seems muted. Maybe it's just the cumulative weight of the psychological crab armor dulling the outside world in effort to protect me from the expected pain of the day. I feel isolated from reality. Like only a few things are able to pierce the aethers and touch me today. I long for the comfort of home and embrace of my partner.

Happy birthday Gram. I love and miss you. I know that wherever your soul has flown, it's better than the worldworn cage of reality you fled from. <3

Transportation

2011-06-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

One of the last gifts my grandmother imparted me was to help me finance a reliable means of transportation. When I moved back to rural Florida, it became necessity to have a car. Decent work was at least an hour's drive from home, still is (but the pay is better, right?). The family car, a Ford Taurus from 1988, had seen it's fair slice of roadway; over three hundred seventy seven thousand miles to be exact. So we retired her, and used what little equity was left in her bones to make a down payment on a semi-shiny nearly-new car. Gram was happy that she could help me finance something that would help rebuild my credit, and I was happy to have a car that wouldn't leave me stranded on the roadside like a cheap hooker after an all-nighter.

Right about the time the Accord started to settle in, a flyer came from the dealership. It promised to get me in a shiny new car and wipe the slate clean. Gram fell for it hook line and sinker, and she garroted me with the line in the process. The dealer reeled us both in on the hope that, while we would be paying more over a longer period, the car would be newer and last me longer. The truth was, that in order to get the newer car, Ihad to be taken off the paperwork. The bottom had fallen out of the bottom of the economy at this point. My first boyfriend used and abused my credit and my emotions like an old hand towel in a cheap motel room. They told me my credit was toxic, and that any hope there was to make a deal would require me to not be on the paperwork. Gram fretted about it, but decided it was best to proceed anyway. She said a short time after, that she probably wouldn't be around to see the car paid off. I shrugged it off, because I didn't want to think about it.

Here we are, less than a year later. When gram passed away, one of the first things dad brought up was what we should do with the car. I figured, and was told, that we could basically just continue paying on it until the financing was matured and then change the title over to my name. I've been paying on the car, as I should. The tag renewal comes in, and dad mentions that it still has the details for the Accord on it. In and among the details of the purchase, apparently, the dealer neglected to follow through on transferring the tag from the accord to the civic. They transferred the title into her name, just not the tag. After fishing through some paperwork, I find a note from the dealer guaranteeing that that were going to do so. I take this note, my proof of insurance, and the renewal notice to the local tax collector.

This is where my entire day went to hell. I explained my situation to the clerk. She pulls up some stuff on the computer. Apparently, she could transfer the registration to the new car but, because gram is deceased, she can't legally renew it. Additionally, since the registration was never officially changed, I've been driving around with an invalid tag for ten months (something you can be taken to jail for). I am, at this point on the verge of crying. In my head, all I can see is that I'm going to have to turn the car in, and that I'm going to lose my transportation (and by extension my livelihood). In the middle of my panic, I call dad then my partner. My dad was, as usual loud and manic with minimal actual help. It's always an absolute sense of urgency with him, and that just doesn't help. My partner on the other hand, gets angry. My partner deals with cars, sales and whatnot. He's mad, because the dealer screwed up, and failed to fulfill part of their end of the contract. He tells me what I need to do, and tries to instruct me how to do it. Unfortunately, I'm not the confrontational type, so ultimately he has to be the angry voice for me.

It's difficult for me to ask for help, from anyone. I have a deep-seated need for independence. Not purely out of wanting to be so, but more out of want to not be a burden. Often times, I'm resigned to let the business world shit on me because I can't voice myself. I enjoy that he wants to help me; that he's trying to help me. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty for accepting the help however. Still, it's a wonderful change of pace, to have a partner that is just that. Someone who will accept my gifts, but wont abuse the source until it's dried up completely; Someone who will try to help, even against my own willful urge to resist assistance.

I say thank you, but I never feel like I adequately convey how much I really do appreciate it....

fines animi

2011-06-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

For some people, the single voice in their head is too much to manage. Some people manage a group of them, without the world perceiving the crazy inside. There is not merely a cluster of personalities residing in my mental nebulae. The stresses of another lifetime evoked an entire world into existence. Locales, peoples, languages, and even entire cultures were constructed from the imaginative energies that reside within me.

Most people with such vivid imaginations utilize it for the benefit or enjoyment of all mankind, sharing their worlds for others to embrace. I'm not among the standing room of social imagineers. Few people truly get close to me; fewer still are granted access to Garune. Of the handful of people who have been given rights to this world, only one set foot on it's shores after it's creation; probably the only one that knows the real importance of it's existence.

The tribes are at war, there is a battle in the heavens, and the sea below is bruised by the bloodletting. At least the added iron will lead to algal blooms and biodiversity enrichment right?

control

2011-06-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today I vow to ease the grip of my pincers. Emotionally my little crab claws have always been held clinched, so tight that their fulcrum points threatened to snap. The less physical control that I feel I have in a relationship, or my life in general, the more I try to cling steadfast to ideals, standards, or expectations in my head. In my first real relationship I had absolutely no say in anything. I latched onto the ideal that by working hard, and focusing on holding things together, I could make a broken machine run like mint. In my second relationship I had all of the physical control. The pitfall was that my own emotions were running the show full time, and not necessarily the ones that should be in charge of one's own happiness. Security took the reigns, and love and compassion languished on the back-burner. Ultimately, I had latched onto that security and stability so hard that I forced the rest to crumble under it's pressure. Monotony and reliability are not suitable replacements for love, respect, honesty, and compassion. My third and fourth relationships were part of a growing phase. The reformation and restructuring of some core ideals in the hope of emotional improvement.

My current relationship is the healthiest I've ever been in. There is no facade of stability. Emotionally we both fluctuate, and when things reach a particular point of strain they are discussed as openly as possible. Ostensibly, he is fairly upfront about how he feels, what he wants, what he likes etc. I think, however, that I cast the shadow of my darker tendencies onto my partner. Even though he is as blunt and open as he is, I have a tendency to feel like he keeps things from me. Not out of malice or deceptive tendencies, but rather to shield me from possible pain or the incurrence of drama. I have the tendency to hold most of my feelings inside until I'm certain they are "appropriate" (I'm aware that there is no really inappropriate or appropriate emotions, feelings are feelings and cannot be bound to moral constructs). So my feeling that he withholds things stems from my own behavioral tendencies. Of course these thoughts feed into my own insecurities. It goes from "I hold things in, so he must be as well" to "I'm sure he's hiding things from me" to "He doesn't trust me" then onto darker planes. It all leads back to a self-depreciating place I assure you. It's all part of my greater abandonment/low self-esteem/depression complex. Ultimately, I'm aware it's all in my own head. I just get so bogged down in there some times. It frustrates me. I understand that everyone is different. I accept that everyone has their own view of the world, and that different beliefs are acceptable.

The above insecurities and shadow casting cause me to cling. I don't even do so consciously most of the time. It just happens. I'll realize after the fact, and probably once it has already worn on my partner to some degree. So my vow is that I'm going to try and be more consciously aware of how and why I'm feeling, and control the resultant behavior better. I am going to focus on what he gives me, and not let the possibility that he might be withholding something worry me. If/when he feels close enough or safe enough to share something with me, he will. I also have to accept that when he is in a low place, it doesn't have to be because of me, or something I have done/not done.

I always thought I needed to find a partner to complete me. What I really needed was a partner to help me complete myself. We can't expect someone else to fix our flaws and fill our voids. We should only expect them to be there to assist us out of love, support, and understanding. I feel that I've found that, but I am still under construction and so is he. Can't wait until we alter the skyline together though.

Restructuring cumuli on Venus

2011-06-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

Having to rewrite one's view of the ideal future is a rather daunting task. I've been conditioned my entire life to view relationships and my future a set way; That whole romantic "meet the one and share the rest of your life with that individual" concept. At no point during my coming to accept myself, for being gay, did I ever question whether I would one day marry and settle down. I really didn't process it as an option, rather it was how it had to be.

Stability and predictability are the hallmarks of civilization and society. By that I mean, We actively seek to nail down information on everything in life. We want to know for absolute bedrock certainty that things will remain unchanged, and that reactions will remain consistently predictable. Once those two prerequisites are met, we then build on that reliability. Complex structures and systems emerge over time as each generation builds on the foundations put forth by the previous ones. While we can observe; chronicle; record; and analyze the world around us, we cannot apply that same logic to individuals. Natural systems behave in predictable patterns and as soon as all the information is available, you can start to plot the progress on paper. The human mind and heart are, however, another universe unto itself. Sure, there are certain reactions, and behaviors common to us all. Being sentient and self-aware, does, however, imbue us with a trait that is removed from the natural world. This unique quality ensures that every person perceives the world from a different vantage point. Two people may share a similar understanding of an event, but the overall image and memories will vary greatly.

Historically, at least in the sense of Western cultures, we have sought to apply the same laws and rules for growth to emotional relationships as we have to the tangible world. In a world before the advent of the information age, people looked to the church for guidance. The church, in turn, had written laws for how people were to form unions with one another. The law of the land dealt with the financial and physical (tangible), and the law of the church managed the mental and emotional (intangible) assets of the people. These early cultures didn't have a significant amount of stability in their lives. Small changes in either physical or mental worlds lead to death by any number of means. For this reason, the church was tasked with creating defined protocols for behavior. In many ways, these were far-overreaching, and as time and society has progressed, we have slowly left a great majority of these concepts behind.

Marriage persists. The definition of marriage varies from one religion to the other, but most recognize some form of emotional union. In Western cultures, the predominate religion is Christianity (whether catholic or protestant of alignment, it's all rooted in the same belief system). Christianity defines marriage as a union between one man and one woman for the purposes of procreation. This is why we have such a conflict in the United States over the government granting marriage rights to same sex partners. Government and religion overlap in certain areas. Government shouldn't really be delving into morality issues. It's primary job is to protect the physical interests of the people, and to keep people's beliefs from infringing on other's civil rights. The US was founded on a concept of separation of church and state, but even from the beginning religious concepts infiltrated law. In a true separation of the two, a religious construct should be free to practice it's beliefs, but special privileges or rights should not be granted, by government, for those religious institutions. Once government grants a right or privilege to one group, it has an obligation to offer it to all groups fairly. When marriage was written into social law, it changed from being a religious ideology to being a social contract. To those of a religious bent, the idea that religious ideology is the way the world should be goes without question. Thus the two sides of the debate over marriage equality. Where marriage is one of those last socio-emotional constructs dictated by the church, and thus one of the last footholds it has on the people, the debate became a rather nasty social war.

I've digressed quite a bit. I have held to a view of love and marriage that is rooted in Christian beliefs. I was raised in a home that, while not overly theocratic, was clearly rooted and founded on ideals drawn from the bible. This is why even in the face of current social law, changing social views, and flippant political strata, I never questioned my idea of the perfect union. However, now I am forced to confront that this image in my head is probably not a logical or practical one anymore. It was a well crafted painting, but it was done in watercolors, then left for the elements. The truth of the matter is, when you really love a person, you uncover things about yourself you never thought possible. Love can bring out the worst demons from your soul or it can force you to think about things, make changes and grow. The former can be deadly, the later enlightening. We have an amazing capacity to adapt to a wide variety of situations, and this capacity extends to mental and emotional processes. The ongoing process of letting go of that watercolor painting is not without pain, possibly a great deal of it over time, but it's also liberating and re-assuring. I lament the lost ideals, but enjoy the extra security I am now feeling with my partner.

Opening up

2011-05-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Every relationship progresses through a series of stages. Each new state in this progression has a gate, fitted with locks of differing degrees of complexity. Needless to say, since every relationship is different by the originality of its creators, that the gates and locks are always different for each level in every relationship. That is to say, level one might be unlocked by trust in one relationship, but needs a key of communication in another. Sometimes several stages pass with little difficulty, and the participants in the journey grow easily together. Other times each new gate becomes a towering inferno, a trial by fire where both participants barely make it out alive. Other's still drowns one or both of the adventurers and thus end the journey together.

The way we navigate these levels, and conquer the gates at the end of each, define us and forces us to grow. Sometimes the more imposing the complication, the more room for growth that can be attained. My partner and I have recently tackled a gate that, for some, would have been the end of the line. I would like to feel that we both navigated the locks rather well. New breakthroughs were made, secrets revealed, and fears made public. When such things are drug out from the caverns of the soul, and exposed to the light of day they explode with great force. That isn't to say you can drag every demon from it's lair, or even if removed that it wont manage to slither back. Sometimes fragments and shadows remain, they lurk and continue to seed insecurity.

I'm currently quite weakened. The energy it took to navigate the last gate has left me with but a specter of my normal mental defenses. Instead of telling myself that he chose to share this part of himself with me out of trust and love, in my weakness my low self worth and poor self image twist my thoughts into my not being good enough for him. I vacillate between being perfectly calm and alright with things, to feeling like the end is near and I have no control to stop it. Normally this special brand of crazy is kept all-to-well tucked away inside my head, but with the barriers down it's affecting what I do and how I act. I can acutely feel my clinging. It's irritating to me, so it must be grating to him; Another layer added, where I now fear my clinging will push him away. Spiral of spirals. Someone slap some sense into me, please.

For all my words, I'm a very poor communicator. I get so bogged down in the motivation behind a question that I'm often unable to answer right away. Then, should the question be complicated or deep, it often requires a significant amount of time for me to sort through all the nebulous data in my head in order to formulate my response. Often my responses are tempered by who I'm dealing with, how much I care for them, how I feel they'll think of me after the fact, etc. That doesn't mean I'm dishonest with my answer. It does, however, mean that I can often make my answer insufferably complicated, when really a simple yes or no would suffice. On the flip side, I temper my own feelings and withhold them for fear of hurting others. Often times it's because I know my feeling is a guttural response generated from inexperience, and by extension ignorance. My hope in those instances is, that by closing up and allowing some time to pass, things will be revealed and my opinion will change. Sometimes I'm right on. Other times I end up compounding issues out of fear that my timing is ill-placed, or my fears misguided. In reality I should probably just bring them to voice for the sake of confronting them.

I apply my own mental and emotional clockwork to the action of others. I believe everyone does this. We all tend to think, at least superficially, that everyone thinks and reacts as we would to given situations. On a deeper level, I'm aware this isn't true. Honestly, if everyone were to analyze things as much as I do, we'd never accomplish much of anything. True, there would be no war, but there would also be almost no wonders in the world either. My partner is an action oriented person. So in that way, he offsets my analytics by doing what he feels is best at the moment. This has made us confront some issues that I would have otherwise kept locked away until absolutely necessary. Sometimes you have to bring something up because it's not yet an issue, and the otherwise quiet air of the moment makes a better backdrop for open discussion.

Still, it's hard for me to grasp that there doesn't have to be any deep reason to "why now". The answer of "it is just time" is the answer. The hardest part is, now that it is "just time" I have a whole lot of crazy that I have to drag out in the open and deal with. That crazy has to be dealt with, and preferably before the hypothetical can/does become reality. I need him to bring the holy water, crucifix, sage, and prayer. Really, I just need to be able to find a way to express them in an open manner. Do you suppose this was sufficient?

why?

2011-05-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

it's almost three in the morning, a happy song is playing in the background, and all i can do is cry like a baby.. WTF?

Gram

2011-03-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

When I was but a diaper-tugging, ground crawler I am told I would scuttle the distance between the living area of my parents to the door of my grandmother's kitchen. The story details change slightly depending on which source chronicles it, but for the sake of impact and cannon we shall stick with the original. I was originally slated for arrival on this world on the anniversary of her birth, but for whatever reasons, I opted to drag things out for ten extra days. The point of these two notes is that Gram and I apparently had a strong bond from the the beginning of my existence. I have memories of being scolded for doing something wrong, as a child, and telling her I loved her out of fear that she might vanish from my life. It wouldn't be until much later that I understood the psychological gearwork behind this.

I needn't go into illicit detail, but ultimately my grandparents were the most prominent and stable influence through my formative years. I grew up playing role model to one parent, basing the mold for this image on the morals they instilled in me. The lack of the other parent had left me with a bit of a hole. My grandmother tried her hardest to fill this void to the best of her abilities. The moral fiber that founded the man that I am as an adult, came from the responsible image that my grandparents diligently maintained for me.

My grandmother lived beyond the death of a child and a life partner, multiple wars, the progress of an industrial age, and the advent of the information age. To think of the things she had witnessed in her life is awe inspiring. She told me once that, when she and my grandpa had moved out into the country, they never expected to see the trees in the yard mature. She also amended her wishes, as I aged and time marched on, to see me through school, and finally to see me on my own in the world. Amusingly, Gram saw both the trees and myself into maturity.

Time marches on. I left home on a flight to places distantly removed. I felt as though I needed to remove myself from my family in order to accept parts of myself. I feared most of all, my grandmother's approval, or disapproval of my sexuality. Her conservative image was the complete opposite to her ultimately liberal acceptance of me as a person. I'm still sad that it took three thousand miles, and some serious mistakes, to discover this. The main lesson I took from this period of my life was that if you don't feel like something is wrong, and you act like as though you have done no wrong, then people's moral image will be swayed. Going out into the world opened my eyes to a great many things. I feel that when I returned home, I may have broadened her views as well.

It was ultimately gram's plea that brought me back from afar. Looking back, I think she knew her story was drawing into it's final chapter. Maybe, she just needed the story to come full circle and have all the main characters return for the finale, to surround herself with her loved ones. Her health started its decline shortly after my return home. It wasn't rapid, but it was noticeable. The span gave me enough time to brace myself to some degree, but how much can one really brace themselves for a loss?

There is a part of me that wishes I had stayed with her the night that she died. Another part of me feels like I, at least, righted a wrong by being there one last time, when no one else would be. It angers me still that, though her wishes were being fulfilled, dad didn't try to communicate that to her. Things just kind-of happened, and she was left to ride it out, for the most part, on her own. I would like to feel that in those last few hours she had some comfort from our last visit, and that she understood even when words failed me so greatly...

Goodbye Gram, I pray your voyage was pleasant, your reunions joyous, and your destination unfathomably beautiful. I love you and will miss you more than these words can justify.

Rubye Ballew Robbins 6/30/1922 - 3/16/2011

wikileaks

2010-12-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

Yes, I like wikileaks. I dislike government scheming and back-door operations. The rule applies across the board, if you put information out there, regardless of how secure the pathway it transits, it will eventually wind up accessible to the public. Such is the way of life in the "Information Age". If information is so sensitive, or embarrassing, either don't commit it to written word. Or, and this is a novel concept, how about just not behaving so badly in the first place?

I've always known the government had to be responsible for a great many questionable deeds in order to maintain the standards of living in our country. Anyone who thought/thinks otherwise is naive,ignorant, and/or possibly mentally deficient. I wholeheartedly approve of our military personnel. I approve of the military as a whole, when it's actually protecting us. Sadly, it is more often a tool to maintain an unjust and unbalanced standard of living by force and power-play.

I prefer to live in my little whole, and try to not be a burden on those around me. Is it so much to wish the same would apply to the country in which I am a part of? The idealist in me, hopes that revelations of deceit and underhandedness will lead to more transparency and personal accountability amongst our political representatives. Sadly, the realist in me knows it ultimately wont change much. Most people don't care, or don't care enough to make changes.... Side note: I am probably on some watch list now. yay!

Stagnant air

2010-06-08T04:47:00.000-07:00

I seem to be adrift in the doldrums. I have been unable to drum up even a tiny amount of creative energy as of late. Life as a whole feels as if it rests in some intricately woven hammock, like every influence in my life has decided to take an impromptu sabbatical. The whole world seems uninspiring and unmotivated. This is not to imply that there are no points of interest in my life, but rather, when taken as a whole nothing outstanding is leading me on to new horizons. This is the kind of place one finds them-self when they reach partial fulfillment; when you feel that your situation is livable, though not ideal, but you fear that making even subtle changes might result in a retraction.
What happens when you fall in love with someone, when you know they are the one person you've searched for your entire life, you try to express that to them, and they apologize for not feeling the same way? Where do you go from there? I expected the world to stop its rotation and everything to go flying off into the vacuum. Instead it all continues moving just as if nothing had ever occurred. I kept moving. I'm still breathing. Well. Fuck.
Apparently life continues its solemn march. I've allowed myself to settle in. Being in close proximity feels better than nothing. Apparently the gravitational interplay lead me into a tidally-locked orbit. I am simply revolving around the greater body, unable to look away, unable to alter course. This arrangement is functional and productive, though in ways neither of us would have expected.
The relationship, that has developed, emulates every function of a love relationship, with the one notable exception of just that. It is a carbon copy, and whomever scribed the original failed to press firmly enough with the quill. The daily functions of the household are met by mutual effort. The emotional, intellectual, physical, and sexual rapports are near perfect. There is an open air of trust, honestly, and respect. I just don't understand why it must remain just what it is.

The spark obviously exists, why wont the fuel burn?

psychological test woo..

2010-05-09T05:06:00.000-07:00

The Modernist
You scored 43Artist, 30 Philosopher, 28 Scientist!
You represent all that is hypermodern in thinking and existing in today's society. You live a very active and agile mental life, combining it with sporadic activities that involve intense personal expression (art, blogging, etc.) As opposed to the other types, your thinking style is a combination of: methodical, artistic and introspective. This means you are at different points in time capable of: valuing something, imagining it spatially, and enjoying its value experientially. You are likely highly literate, but you are a jack of all trades in that no particular field captures your fancy entirely. You may find yourself involved in a range of activities; make sure you are comfortable with your own identity and that you do not neglect any of the major aspects of thought. There could potentially be a propensity for skiddishness or flightiness. Furthermore, you are very easy going as a friend and partner ... easily absorbing the personalities around you, but not committing to any side in particular. Quote from a Modernist: "People often think I'm flip flopping on my opinons, when in reality, I'm just seeing many sides to something."
Examples of Modernists: Tony Blair, Leonardo Da Vinci, Aristotle

Scent trails...

2010-04-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

I'm tromping down a path, lain in the shadows of a forest perpetually smothered by fog and choked by inky darkness. My careless footfalls belie my willful disregard of the occasional sign, placed along my path to warn of the imminent danger. This path did not begin in this forest. I can hope it only passes through.
Sometimes the darkness and cold mist crowd in, a claustrophobic nightmare. They flood in, filling the lungs and drowning out the distant sounds of joy originating from places distant and far more pleasant. I continue my path with measured intent. Be it towards an unforeseen cliff or greener pastures, I am uncertain.
Why do I continue this path? I could reverse course, choose a side track, or even stop momentarily in an attempt to gain my bearings. Instead, I continue onward, blindly into the aether. I know why, do you?

Gravitational Interplay...

2010-03-22T06:35:00.000-07:00

Think of personalities as heavenly bodies. Some people are asteroids, small and insignificant in the grander scheme, but with enough mass to cause grand amounts of destruction in their wakes. Some are comets; they carry a great amount of gravitational draw and flash brilliantly in the night sky, before retreating back into the depths of vacuum. Most people are planetary bodies to some degree or another. It all boils down to their gravitational perspective.
We drift along predetermined orbits, exchanging a subtle nudge or pull as the orbits near one another. Usually these paths are concurrent and parallel to one another. Sometimes the interplay amongst the masses sends a body careening out of it’s orbit. It gives the illusion of a grand cosmic pinball game, with objects colliding, ricocheting, or sling-shooting off one another. There is a grand order amongst the chaos. These subtle interactions lead smaller objects to collide and form larger objects.
The larger bodies are generally more immune to being pulled from their predetermined paths. Their accumulated weight draws others to them instead. Once in a while, however, some mal-alignment occurs and a large body wanders off it’s path. Once deprived of the standard orbit, a rogue planet wanders slowly across the heavens, it’s course altered by every gravitational interplay that occurs. Lacking a set path, the constant nudge and push of other objects, slowly forces the planet towards the frozen darkness of deep space. What happens when two such objects, of similar weight, cross paths before reaching the depths?
I hope the event that caused my isolation, sent the other body involved sailing into the sun to burn.. I’ve been a rogue planet for some time. In my wandering, I’ve gained and lost satellites; been bombarded by small bodies; and exposed to erratic particles. In my travels across the ecliptic, I thought I had only encountered bodies of lesser mass.
Apparently a subtle gravitational pull was unbeknownst to me, at least initially. A chance, and seemingly distant passing between myself and another altered my course without my knowledge. A fulcrum point formed between the two bodies and they have seemingly begun a slow declining orbit towards this central position. Other objects have passed in the night, tugging on both planets. The declining orbit has as of yet been apparently undisturbed. As the two bodies near each other, heat is generated, rotations and orbits speed up, and the spiraling grows impatient/violent. I wonder will they collide, become tidally locked and settle into a comfortable orbit, or will the combined gravity and speed of the two send them off in another direction.

The long breath

2010-03-06T04:56:00.000-08:00

My life feels as if it runs in cycles, like growth rings on a tree, the flowing tides, or recurrent wind patterns on Jupiter. Several periods of calm and reasonable stability are broken up by brief and traumatic events. In the aftermath of reaching these event horizons, while the particles are still attempting to re-conform to the normal laws of physics, strange new interactions form between them. The emotional effects of which are not-unlike the tendrils of vines, lashing out and struggling to twine themselves to something substantial.

Calm >> buildup >> implosion >> particle spray >> reformation >> repeat

I long for a time when the cycle will be broken; a time when the long breath between reformation and buildup cools, and solidifies, into something impervious.

I'm currently resting at the gray area between that chaotic particle dispersion and the point at which things start to rebuild. I actually feel like the last calm period was significantly shorter than routine, in connection the implosion was less traumatic, but the particles were very energetic however. They were far-flung. I wonder if there is a critical distance, at which point, they will no longer interact at all? The last event occurred on a more mental plane, whereas the previous two encompassed every aspect of my life.

I sit on the threshold. The tendrils have formed and search frantically. Whether those catch-holds they find are grounded and firm of foundation are another story, and a question I don't really wish to delve into. The slow crystallization of things has begun. I wonder what the surface will look like? I wonder more what chemicals will be able to pass into it's pores; what poisons might slowly seep into the framework and corrode the delicate balance from within.

I find that the older I get, the more I reflect on the process. This doesn't mean it gives me any ability to alter course or redirect as it occurs. The knowledge and understanding of the process really only seems to confound and make it that much worse. Frustration, that I can't actually implement some effective strategy to change things, eats at my soul; a grub chewing on the heartwood of a tree. What will happen when the flow of vital sap is severed from the crown, I wonder? Maybe those vines will cease to form, and I'll simply revel in the empty entropy...

Wanted: Stable Life Partner

2009-11-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

Damn, I feel like I'm old enough that I should be beyond this by now. It's hard to believe now, that when I was younger I had my mind set that I had to be married and settled in by 23. That seems like an entire lifetime ago. I had so many preconceived notions and fixed ideologies. Life's been unkind since, but it hasn't been so bad as to cripple me.
I should note that I'm not really posting this with any hope of response. Rather, I'm hoping to by process of writing articulate to myself what exactly it is I want. That's far easier said than done...

Wanted: Stable Gay Male for Lifelong companionship
Musts: These are non-negotiable...
-Be mature and accept responsibility for one's own actions.
-Be trustworthy. I generally trust you until I have reason not to.
-Trust me, especially since I'll give you no reason to do otherwise!
-Have respect for himself, and others.
-Have his own interests and friends but have time enough to share with me.
-Have fiery passions for things in his life.
-Try to instill passion in me. This is easier said than done, trust me.
-Be at least willing to attempt to understand my eccentricities. I'm an odd boy...
-Have himself an unusual air, because that's the pathway for attraction from my part.
-Be able to articulate how he's feeling without resorting to destructiveness.
-learn when to leave me alone, and when I really need him to make things better...
-Not be ashamed of who he is, in any situation.
-Like to cuddle, and be physically close/intimate.
-Take care of himself hygienically. I do find it sad that it even has to be said...
-Not gamble with his health or mine.
-Not use hard drugs, or attempt to convince me to use any drugs.
-Know his limits with alcohol. Social drinking even on a daily level is acceptable...
-Not be old enough to have contributed DNA towards my existence...
-Be willing to work as much and as hard for the benefit of US as I will.
-Be the one to take charge, but not become domineering.
-Be willing to talk openly about wants, needs, and expectation. Doing so will encourage me to do so in return...

Suggestions: These things are negotiable to varying degrees.
-Height. I suppose between 5'9"-6'6" respectively. I'm most attracted to taller men.
-Build. I'm most attracted to slender, toned men.
-Age. I feel that a reasonable range would be within 7years either way of my own.
-Hairstyle. I simply don't find long hair attractive on a man, at all.
-Having Artful/tasteful tattoos, preferably with some meaning.
-Moderate piercings, again artfulness has much to do with it.
-Have an eye for art or beauty in the natural world.
-Please don't be a smoker. I can live with it, but it's just not healthy.

This is in no way intended to be a complete list. Additionally, as I grow and learn I suspect this may change as my outlook and ideas become less fixed. Ah well. Constructive commentary is always appreciated.

-Ken

Small Town Life (Sucks)

2009-09-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated, alone, and bored.

I've been back home for almost a year now. I find that this place brings out the weird in me. The seclusion is depressing. I'm at my best when I'm at work and focused on something other than my own thoughts. This has lead me to believe that I need to acquire a second job merely to fill the time void, and thus keep my brain from delving into dark places it doesn't need to go.
The whole situation has gone so far south of my expectations. I intended to move back, and reside with my family for a short period of adjustment. That short period has now unveiled itself to be a several year expanse of my life. I make less money, and have to put out a more significant chunk of it in order to maintain a job.
I further exacerbated my situation by indenturing myself to my family financially. The family car was aging. It became unsuitable for the long-distance transit I required. So in a flawed from-the-word-go move, I engineered a trade in. My atrocious credit score dictated that my payments would be astronomical. For the next four years, my transportation expenses will be almost 60% of my net income. What the hell is wrong with me?
I imagine that if I had a social outlet, friends of the same mind, that I might be less melancholy. I don't foresee that happening anytime soon. The few gay/lesbian people in this county are xenophobic and reclusive, with due cause. The closest place with any measure of freedom in that area is Jacksonville... Why did I move into a cultural void?

Life (Re)Adjustments

2008-12-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

So it's been a long, wild month. One would have thought that having known two months in advance, that I would be moving, that it might have been smooth and well planned out. If fate had seen it fit to follow the plan, perhapse that would be the case. Fate is a fickle mistress though. A petty argument with my ex, led to the loss of my laptop. A casual visit with a long-time internet friend, became something emotionally profound that I'm still struggling to process. A sendoff party, became an ocean of tears from a most unexpected source. My grand homecomming, was less than so. Now I'm here, and asking myself "what now?".
I've been back 'home' for a week and a half. The first week was spent reaquainting myself with the land in which I grew up. To say much has changed would be a lie. It's very much the same as when I left. Sure, there are more homes built in the forrests and swamps. All of which have been foreclosed upon and currently empty. The people are the same. The atmosphere, stale and musty, threatens to strangle the breath of creativity and originality from my lungs. I missed my friends from here very much, but they all have their lives and families by now. So somehow I'm even more alone now.
My family is as they have been as long as I can remember. My dad's still a cranky miser. I'm glad he doesn't seem to be drinking nearly as much, and seems more apt to retire to his room than pick fights than in times past. My grandmother, bless her heart, isn't what she once was or would like to be. Her memory is leaving her slowly. She still gets up early to do whatever chores she can manage, but the fire is gone. I cannot stay in their home too long. The environment there is domineering. I find myself feeling like a helpless child again. I'm at the whim of others and not to my own.
I have a job interview tomorow. I had been hoping to get hired on at a good sized office in Daytona or St. Augustine. Fate seems content to make me become mired in Putnam County. The sad fact is no one is hiring. It took powerful strings to pull getting an interview at all. Work is work though. Whatever I need to do to get through, is what I'll make do with.
I guess that is life as it now stands. I'm all alone in the swamp. I've done a fine job of making myself quite useless. My heart is wandering someplace far removed. At least the weather is nice...

The way it stands (My life at the moment)

2008-11-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

(Some or most of you may have already read this on Myspace. Typically I post to blogger first, but I did not have ample time when it was first posted to do both. As such, I posted to Myspace first, since it would reach more of the people closest to me in a more timely manner. )

So I've had a tremendous amount of drama last week, and I'm hoping it all came to a head. My last long term boyfriend and I have had some very cataclysmic arguments in the past. I told him to take everything when we broke up, because, among other reasons, I wanted to avoid conflict. I literally kept my clothes, toiletries, and my laptop.
I'm way too trusting. I should learn to cover and look out for my own ass first and foremost. This is, obviously, easier said than done in actual application. My trusting behavior has led me to end up in this same situation on two occasions now. This lesson is costing me a lot emotionally.
Josh traded away my laptop and replaced it with the one I currently have. He retained the mechanisms to control the fate of this laptop, and has since decided that as he's hurting he needs to make me hurt as well. So by whatever strings he maintained, he's managed to force my to give up the laptop, and my only real connection with the outside world.
I am unsure of how long I will ultimately be without laptop/internet access. I will still have access to my messengers and email through my phone. Just remember those means are crude and I have to type on a numeric keypad.

Another afternoon dream

2008-11-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

Another afternoon nap interrupted by an unpleasant dream. I did not make it through the entirety of this vision, as I wasn't in a deep sleep at the time. I was thus able to force myself awake. I suppose I should have just seen it through...

I was at work, and it was apparently on my last day. The day was going slow, as it tends to when it's raining in the Town of Paradise. The entire staff, sans the doctor and his wife, were in the office watching the light rain fall. A looming curtain of fog rolled in. Swirls of thick aether whirled and twisted about the front windows. There was an eerie silence from the outside, but heavy rain could be seen through thin parts of the fog.
I walked down the hallway to the back door, because I wanted to poke my head out and view and smell the rain. Immediately upon turning the knob, the door flew open. Black fog and icy rain was ushered in upon strong winds, and a deafening roar consumed every other sound. I felt myself being lifted from my feet and whirled about the corridors of the office. I was terrified that I would be smashed into something, but the impact never came.
In the chaos, I thought maybe there had been a tornado. Maybe I should try to find some way to huddle in a corner, or lay flat on the floor. I tried in vain to reach the floor. I'm not even sure how I knew the floor even still existed, for I certainly couldn't see it. I could see nothing. I could only feel the cold, damn winds as the flung me around as the saw fit.... And so in desperation I forced myself awake...

I'm so very tired now...I think I'll try this again...

Capricornus in the year 1985

2008-11-22T22:46:00.000-08:00

More more more.
Wish I had known in the beginning the descriptor for Capricorn is "I Use". I'm just curious how someone who had everything paid for by someone else, over a two and a half year period, can have an over inflated sense of entitlement? I mean, I let him take absolutely everything we had; ours, his, mine, all of it. How can that same person, when flatly told they aren't the center of the universe, suddenly turn so absolutely vicious? I have so few things left, but he wants to take it all. He even threatens to falsely claim it was stolen. Says he'll have me arrested... Wow this is oddly familiar. At least I know better this time. I wonder if I'll have to go to civil court again... Actually, what I want to know is how long I have to repeat this cycle of bad relationships that stagnate into sour pools of disease after they end. Guess I bring out the worst in people...

Because it's just so damned shiny!

2008-11-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

So I fell for a boy. It was a whirlwind fiesta of infatuation. Let's ignore the fact that he was on the opposite corner of the continent. There were a multitude of quirky little red flags I attempted to ignore.
The first major issue was discovering half the pics he had shared with me were of course quite false. The other half it appeared were out dated. Most normal people would call it quits on that sour note. Being the quirky little cancer I am, I decided to try to find out why this had occurred. A temporary patch was placed and the relationship moved on.
Things had started to settle down a big, becoming almost routine. Security, I felt was mine. Guess that was a premature judgment. See I'm a fairly insecure guy. This leads me to dig into a situation when I feel like something is off. I don't confront, or threaten, or accuse until every piece of evidence is absolutely stabbing me in the eye with obviousness.
So I crashed for eighteen hours. He woke me with a message, noting that I hadn't messaged him. I awoke the next morning and all was pretty damned routine. I shot him an offline message, then proceeded to my standard social networking profiles to see what had changed. I was slightly jarred to see a notice informing me his status had changed to 'single'. I went to his profile, nothing particular out of order, except you know his status did in fact say 'single'. Considering this was Facebook, and I had sent him a relationship approval some time prior, I was quite taken aback.
I wont get into dirty details. I'll just leave it that I'm now single again. I am however amused that for all the talk about not knowing how to approve a relationship status, and not knowing the 'new facebook' it took relatively little time to erase me from existence. Guess I didn't mean that much to him after all.

Oh well, guess I'm lucky we had the same ring size...

A Terrible Dream

2008-11-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

The following is a dream I had during a late afternoon nap recently. After an unusually long period of adjustment post-waking, I decided there had to be some significance to the whole thing. I have yet to figure out just what that significance is however.

It was a clear, balmy day with only a few clouds in the sky. There was a slightly saline breeze. I stood on a small pier, with an unknown companion, amidst a few brightly colored tables and chairs (The kind, with umbrellas, typical of tourist locals). I had the impression that I was in or near LA.
People on the beach, started staring out to sea, aghast. I turned over my shoulder to see what they were looking at. On the horizon, a solid wall of water was rushing towards me. I had the feeling that it stretched the entire horizon, was unearthly massive, and was global in its impact.
I started to run with no regard for my cohort. I ran past screams and gasps of "We're all going to die" and "It's hopeless". I rushed across a street, through light traffic, and darted between towering buildings. The roaring, crashing, and crumpling sounds of rushing water and twisting metal were growing in the background. I pushed my way over construction debris, hopped over a homeless man, and jumped/slid over a port-a-potty. Then, I twisted to my left and up the crude wooden stairs of a building under construction.
The water was swirling and surging up at my feet. I could feel it snap at my ankles, cold and angry. Other people started to rush up from the waters, surging up the stairs behind me. I forced my way up the stairs until I reached a metal barricade. People started to cram in behind me, wedging me tighter and tighter into a tangled mess of bodies and metal bars. Somehow, by my own force of will, I pushed through the barricade, and started up the stairs again. A single man forced himself past me and darted up the stairs.
The top of the stairs ended in a plush apartment not unlike a casino in design. An imposing man sat at a desk at the entry to the room. He was looking at a computer, but turned to glare at the man before me, and greeted him with a gun extended. The man offered a bribe, in the form of a neatly rolled and banded ball of cash. The man waved him inside, then turned to me. I shrugged my shoulders and in exasperation plead "I have nothing", to which he only smiled and welcomed me just the same.
I remained at the doorway to the room, took my cell phone from my pocket, and sent a single text message to my boyfriend reading 'I made it through, are you ok?". There was a brief pause, and then I awoke.